The author has had the good fortune to be acquainted with one of Nature’s rare marvels–an escapee of Turnbull Featherwait’s Sanatorium for the Whimsically Bemused; a certain, Chester Leonard Olszewski,who is well-known for his erstwhile pretension to the papal see. Such pretenders appear to be a symptom of these atypical and colourful latter days. The story of this lunatic’s activities in the last thirty odd years has been the subject of other narratives in the past, however the following is a true to life exchange betwixt myself and this fruit-loop.

Me, “And what of the third secret of Fatima? Do you contend that it was not disclosed by the Vatican?”

Him, “That’s a load of orangutan poop! I’ll tell you the secret… I hid a candy bar behind the television!”

TRANSCRIPT:

This is the B.B.C. World Service.

Today, in Papau New Guinea, native adherents of the Baka-bajinga cult… wait, um… Moth-ridden hair pieces for balding men… Extremely venerable camel dies of small cell carcinoma lung… A pickle was uncovered in the Scottish Highlands having no fewer than two noses… Eric Idle just shit-canned the teleprompt writer… John Cleese just “let go” Eric Idle, who shouldn’t have used the word “shit-canned” on a public radio network… Mr Cleese is wearing a summer yellow cardigan while discussing the seed/meat ratios of Asiatic pomegranates…

Oh, yes, there… sorry about that, chaps…

This just in, a rural Pennsylvania contender for the papal throne–one, Chester Leonard Olszewski, a defrocked Episocapal maniac–has unveiled the “authentic” third secret of Fatima. Loretta McFlanagan of Bradford tells us that he describes the third secret as a fluffy bar of nougat, gracefully draped in two layers of decadent, orgasmic Dutch chocolate, and embellished with lots of nutty goodness in every salivating morsel.

He conspired to hide it next to his stash of Soviet-era Polish cannabis and a half-empty bottle of Coors Light, all of which were stored behind a 1978 Emerson “televisual box” (his words not mine), a device which perpetually loops episodes of the Andy Griffith Show–which has been professionally dubbed in a Latin/Esperanto Hybrid Tongue called Sniggidabobbin… which Olszewski claims to use when intoning the Gospel each Sunday.

These items have remained untouched, were he hid them, for the thirty years following his Coronation¹ and Enthronement ².

The “candy bar,” which he has affectionately dubbed, “Jacinta,” is presently sprouting an aesthetically pleasing array of frilly olive, mauve, and heliotrope molds. The spores of these molds are said–by leading scientist, Dr Erwin Wilberforce–to cause a certain soul-screwing entropy, paralysis of the central nervous system, and a blend of bubbly faerie-like hallucinations, grotesque nightmares, and pneumatological inspiration.

In other news, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz is to be arraigned before the Holy Office of the Celestial Inquisition, for questioning in rather strong words… I believe he said, “It’s a sebaceous bit of fecal matter!” …the Intergalactic Canons and Rubrics for Liturgical Functions, which indicate in §42, “That Vogon poetry–the third worst in the Universe–can under no circumstances, general or particular, be used in any liturgical action, as either hymn, anthem, lesson, or reading.”

This is not 20th century Los Angelos, as we know, so Jeltz shall likely be vaporised by the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council which he once headed, so that his immense Gillraean bulk can be bypassed to build a new Space mall in the Triangulum Emission Garren Nebula.

This has been the B.B.C. World Service.